My New Year’s Resolutions and the Universe’s Swift Response

Happy New Year friends! I hope your year is off to a good start. Mine sure is because it started with my all-time favorite thing: making my New Year’s resolutions! I LOVE resolutions! Creating them reminds me that anything is possible (even discovering a mosquito filled with dino blood that allows me to create Jurassic Park for REAL). This year, I made 25 resolutions. You may think that is too many and you’re probably right, but should we meet face to face, I will stubbornly fight you on it. Last year I made 20 resolutions and while I accomplished a lot, there was certainly some rollover when creating my list this year. I won’t bore you with all 25, but here’s a short selection of the big ones.

  • Post on this blog at least once a month
  • Start an Instagram account for my blog and post each month
  • Work out 5-6 days a week and lose [CENSORED] pounds
  • Practice yoga or meditate once a week
  • Get back into onscreen acting (for those of you who don’t remember or are just joining us, in addition to being a fitness guru I am also an actor and comedian. I know—it’s impressive.)
  • Do one thing each month that makes me uncomfortable
  • Start my own business as a freelance copywriter and marketer

As I looked at what might keep me from achieving these resolutions—or what has kept me from achieving them in the past—it came down to two things: lack of time and the fear of taking a leap of faith. No doubt you’ve encountered a similar realization when looking at previous years’ failed resolutions. (Don’t pretend like you haven’t failed on a resolution. Did you really read 64 books last year?)

The story I’m about to share might not help you personally, but it may provide some inspiration or at least a sense of schadenfreude. (If you don’t know what “schadenfreude” is, either learn to speak German or listen to the Avenue Q soundtrack.) After making my resolutions this year, the universe responded by looking me right in the eye, knocking me off my feet and saying, “prove it.” i.e. – I lost my full-time job.

The tech start-up I worked for had the third RIF in two years, and this time, I was not spared. Now, you might be thinking, “what kind of person stays at a company after two massive RIFs?” This guy with two thumbs. Now, before you start sobbing or get out your digital phones to text me that this is a blessing in disguise, I will say this. It wasn’t a blessing in disguise. It was as if a blessing walked up to me wearing Groucho glasses and a t-shirt that says “I’m a blessing.”

I now have all the time I need to accomplish my lofty resolutions!!! And I no longer need to take a leap of faith, because the universe pushed me off the ledge. Let me also tell you what I’ve done in the two days since losing my job. I’ve picked up and worked for my first clients, worked out 4 times (with one day to go), started and posted to my new Instagram account (@jmitch416), and I got an agent, auditioned for a national commercial and am shooting a short film next week. I didn’t do any yoga this week, but I’ve sure as hell done some meditating and I certainly did something that made me uncomfortable.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “I thought this was a health and fitness blog with a comedic twist, but it seems like you’re just ranting in a NOT funny way! I want my money back!” First of all, you did not give me any money, and second of all, that’s fair. So here’s a kale salad recipe I made with my free time this week and some free advice:  Make time for your New Year’s resolutions this year or the universe will do it for you.

As if that’s not enough for you to digest, I have one last announcement for you. When I woke up on the morning I was let go, the first thought that popped into my head was, “I hope I don’t get fired today.” I honestly have no idea why that happened. I also felt super nauseous that morning. I assumed it was due to the outrageous amount of Bugles I ate the night before, but I think it was a premonition. These two things made me realize something that I’m sure you’re all picking up on—I’m a psychic. Or a medium at minimum! So, in addition to offering copywriting, content creation, social media and general marketing services in my new business, I will also predict your future or talk to your deceased grandma. Unless she is a Sox fan, in which case I’ll get her attention then blast “Go Cubs Go” for an hour.

So if you or someone you know is in need of any of these services, please let me know. Seriously. Let me know. I’m unemployed.